BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SHORT ATTENTION SPAN AND I LIKE WRITING STUPID STUFF.
Iron Helms declaring Moral Victory made me laugh
The situation seems a lot less grim when described like this!
There's a reason why one of my backup concepts is Dawnish Troubadour with Sports Commentator Voice
That last paragraph's a little meta.... "oh and the Druj have invaded Urizen, but we have no other information due to a media blackout...."
Overall, nice one.